It’s hard to start over.  It really is.  Sure, the start of the new year was, well you know, new… but I started over completely this year.  2020 has already been probably the hardest year of my life.  And WOW, it’s only the 23rd of January.  But I followed through with my resolution of choosing myself and being a person I’m proud of.  I worked up some courage, chose myself, and now feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I made some changes that  I knew I needed to make if I wanted to be happy with myself down the road.

Has it been hard?  Oh my goodness, yes.

Since 2020 has begun, I have… ended my 5-year relationship, lost my appetite, lost weight, slept on an air mattress for 2 weeks, had to move all of my shit for the third time in the past 2 years, and cried an extremely high amount of times.

I’ve literally questioned all of my values, wondered if I was making the right choice, tried to decide what was the easier decision for myself.  But that’s the thing… I can’t just go with the easy decision.  Because I don’t know if I would feel right with myself knowing I took the easy way out rather than sucking it up and making the change I needed to feel good about myself.

But the thing is… once I actually made up my mind and went through with my decision.  I felt so much better.

Ending a relationship is hard.  I’ve never really done it before, and now I can say I’ve ended one that he and I both invested a LOT of time in.  Whatever I say, I can’t speak for him.  But I don’t regret our time together, I don’t see it as a waste, and I am always going to wish the best for him.  Do I love the fact that I have to start over?  Or I have to go day by day and see social media reminding me of a memory from 3 years ago?  Or is it fun to take pictures out of frames and change contact names in your phone?  Of course not.  None of this is easy, but guess what.  I still am okay with it all.  I knew to be happy with myself, I needed to go through this heartbreak.  But my heart isn’t as broken as I thought it would be.  Which just proves that I deserve to be happy, and so does he.

I’ve really been doing okay.  I talk about how hard this year has been, blah blah blah… and really, I have it very easy.  I know other people have more serious issues, but this really did cause a lot of stress and anxiety for me.  It still does.  However, I am doing okay.  And I hope he is too.

But how did I decide to make such a drastic change?  How did I know it was right?

Well, first off, I didn’t.  I repeatedly asked myself if it would be right choice, because not only would I be happy, but also, how stupid would I look to keep being indecisive about such an important decision.  I mean, this doesn’t just affect me.  But that was the thing, it didn’t just affect me, but I had to care about only me.  I cared about him for so long over myself, that I was deteriorating.  And I deteriorated even more when I knew he wasn’t caring for me the same I was about him.  That KILLED me.  I would put all of my love to him and get what?  An “I love you” right before bed?  Yep.  That was it.  I would get ignored all night, told to go away, not annoy him, he was busy with his friends… feel all of the shame of not being good enough and being less than a computer…. to being told “I love you”.  And sure, I’m sure he actually did love me.  But they eventually just became words.  It wasn’t a feeling, it was a routine.  I became a part of a routine where I just existed.  I wasn’t good enough.  Or at least I didn’t feel like I was.  And in the end, I didn’t want to feel like that anymore.  Because I needed to finally learn how to be good enough for me.  And that was the start of 2020.  The year of me, the year of friendships, the year of change.

Also… I just want to say… while I’m on here, I literally have the best friends + family in the WORLD.  I couldn’t ask for more supportive, caring people in my life.  It feels good to know you have people out there who genuinely care about your well-being.  Who are there to help, to listen, to be your voice of reason.  I cannot express my love and appreciation for all of my wonderful friends and family who just have my back no matter what.

I feel like I’m sort of jumping all over the place with this blog, but honestly… I just want this to help someone.  You know, as lame as it sounds, I did a lot of soul-searching on Pinterest.  I just would scroll the Quotes and look for something that would speak to me.  Or I’d listen to sad songs trying to figure out if any lyrics fit my situation.  I just wanted some sign or inspiration to tell me and show me that I could do this.  I could make a huge change and be okay.  And I am.  So, I guess I just wanted to put this “short” (sorry, not so short) blurb out there for people to read, understand, and hopefully act on what I’m saying.  I am no expert, I am no… I don’t even know the word… I guess, just know that this was not easy for me.  I just got to a point where I didn’t like myself.  He didn’t like me, I didn’t like me, so what was the point?

So, cheers to 2020.  A year of hope, a year of friendship, and a year of new possibilities + opportunities.

Talk soon,
Alli